Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
