im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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