i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Don't make out with my wife yet
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
