I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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