Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
