Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
