This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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