I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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