literally had 100 drinks last night.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
