so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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