...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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