we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
