i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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