If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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