so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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