i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
