My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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