you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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