my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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