is your mom at the bar?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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