so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
