I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
