Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
