i just sent this text using only my big toe
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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