I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just want nice things and good sex
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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