The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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