I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
we made out on top of his cat.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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