I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
you traded sex for a burrito?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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