Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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