Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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