there's paper in my vomit.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
