did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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