I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
