I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I need a beard to bite.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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