it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
