Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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