i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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