that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
