I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
