we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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