i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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