Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
