Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Is it because I queefed?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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