Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
