3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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