I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
