You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
