i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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