He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
