someone threw a dead crab at me
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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