Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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