My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
