Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
