I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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