You really coming over, don't trick.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
